Prodependent Holidays, Anniversaries, and Celebrations - Seeking Integrity

Angela Spearman

In the aftermath of betrayal, it can be hard to find joy in days or seasons meant for celebrating and remembering. We all have traditions and tasks that demand our energies and a cheerful spirit. This can be excruciating for betrayed partners. Add to this the complexity of trying to keep the situation private, and to limit the impacts on the kids and grandkids. It is a crisis situation, but it must be endured without the awareness of others and without any guarantees of recovery outcomes. It is so much to ask of the already overwhelmed betrayed partner.

As an individual who has historically been the driver and keeper of many of these holiday or celebratory traditions for the family, it can be especially devastating to experience a loss of interest, surges of resentment, and passing thoughts of burning the whole thing down. It is yet another set of losses to grieve.

Many betrayed partners find themselves wondering, “Who am I? And will I ever have a happy celebration ever again?”

While you are in this crisis, many holidays and celebrations will arrive and you will need to draw from your tools and strategies to help you navigate with greater calm and reduced stress. I’m writing this article to convey a sense of hope and to remind you that many happy moments are still ahead for you. I have assisted countless betrayed partners in their healing journeys, all of which have faced the agony of celebrations in the midst of their most painful months and years.

Let’s remember together some of the simple things we can do to help ourselves through these days:

1. Better days are ahead. We can know this to be absolutely true because there are many betrayed partners who have progressed in their healing and who are able to experience deep joy and cheer even on romantic anniversaries. They are living proof that happiness is still possible and the future is good, regardless of relationship outcomes.
2. If we can remember that our pain is time-limited and that happiness is still coming in future days, we can release the obligation to make this particular celebration on par with past celebrations. We can let others know that we have a lot going on and need to ask them for their assistance on certain tasks.
3. It’s OK to rest. You don’t have to explain yourself. Simply let people know that you enjoy getting moments of rest these days, and you will be excusing yourself as needed for some downtime and rejuvenation.
4. Find meaning in the holiday/celebration. For many, the holidays are a reminder that light comes after or in the midst of the darkness. You can embrace this idea by acknowledging the darkness and pain of your situation and looking forward to brighter days.
5. Before the celebrations begin, write a letter to yourself. Include in the letter anything you would like to remind yourself of and any helpful strategies you want to remember to utilize. This can include giving yourself permission to maintain privacy and to delegate tasks to others.
6. Reach out to offer and receive support from other betrayed partners. No one has the ability to take away our pain or to change our situation, but we can bear witness to each other and remind each other of our dignity and worth. We don’t have to go through this alone.

You can get through the holidays with the least amount of impact possible. Schedule a session with a prodependence-oriented therapist to clear your head and receive useful advice. Join the free, weekly, online drop-in groups for spouses, partners, and other loved ones of addicts on SexAndRelationshipHealing.com. Read or re-read Out of the Doghouse by Dr. Robert Weiss to find the validation you need. Join free online educational communities like www.WeTonglen.com (for female betrayed partners), and listen to the Sex, Love, and Addiction podcasts offered by Dr. Weiss.

I look forward to interacting with you and supporting your healing journey in the days and months ahead. If you haven’t done so yet, join me for the Betrayed Partners Part 1 workgroup so we can open doors to more information and resources, including meeting other betrayed partners to help act as your support and you for them.

Warm wishes for peaceful holidays,
Angela Spearman, CSAT