Have You Crossed the Line? A List of Common Boundary Violations

Dr. Robert Weiss LCSW, CSAT

In the space below, I have compiled a list of common boundary violations. This list is especially applicable to sex, porn, and substance/sex addicts and their loved ones. Hopefully, this short list will help you better spot boundary violations – even as you continue to work toward defining what your healthy boundaries actually are.

COMMON BOUNDARY VIOLATIONS

External Boundary Violations

• Standing too close to a person without their permission.
• Touching a person without their permission.
• Getting into a person’s belongings and living space (wallet, purse, mail, phone, closet, etc.) without their permission.
• Listening to another person’s private conversations (real-world, phone, digital, etc.) without their permission.
• Not allowing a person to have privacy or violating a person’s right to privacy.
• Exposing others to a contagious illness.
• Smoking around non-smokers, especially in an identified non-smoking area.
• Engaging a person sexually without their permission (verbally, digitally, visually, or by physically touching).
• Insisting on having your way sexually in the face of another person’s “no.”
• Demanding unsafe sexual practices.
• Exposing others to sexual experiences without their permission.
• Sexually shaming another person.
• Leaving pornography where others might inadvertently see it.

Internal Boundary Violations

• By word or deed, indicating another person is worthless.
• Raging (name-calling, yelling, screaming at another person, etc.)
• Ridiculing another person.
• Lying or keeping important secrets.
• Breaking commitments.
• Patronizing another person.
• Attempting to control another person.
• Giving unsolicited advice.
• Blaming, judging, or criticizing.
• Being sarcastic while being intimate.
• Manipulating

Spiritual Boundary Violations

• Forcing your spiritual or religious beliefs on another person.
• Telling another person their spiritual/religious belief system is wrong.
• Discrimination based on religious or spiritual beliefs.
• Proselytizing to another person without their permission.
• Using threats of punishment from a Higher Power to control another person’s thinking and/or behavior.

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If you and your partner are struggling with healthy boundaries after the discovery of infidelity, Seeking Integrity’s online workgroups can help. For starters, we offer a workgroup series specifically for betrayed partners. We also have workgroups for sex/porn addicts, including our Out of the Doghouse workgroup that teaches relationship repair.