The degree of relationship trouble that porn addicts experience is dependent on whether they’re in a relationship to begin with and, if so, how infidelity is defined within that relationship. Unfortunately, what we often find at Seeking Integrity is that relationships have assumed rather than overtly defined boundaries about things like pornography, and one partner’s assumption may not match the other’s.
In such cases, the porn user may think that pornography does not count as cheating, while their partner thinks it does. Often, the porn user will argue that live, in-person sexual contact must take place before a behavior counts as cheating. In such cases, they may say things like:
The porn user’s partner often disagrees (sometimes vehemently) with these justifications.
So, if your partner is watching porn, does that mean they’re cheating? Well, a few years ago, to answer this question, Dr. Jennifer Schneider, Dr. Charles Samenow, and Seeking Integrity’s Founding Director, Dr. Rob Weiss, surveyed a group of women whose husbands were engaging in significant amounts of sexual activity outside the relationship. These behaviors included both online and real-world activities, with the most common online behavior being pornography.
The most important finding of this study was that when it comes to the negative effects of one partner being sexual outside a supposedly monogamous relationship, online and in-person behaviors are no different. The betrayed partner feels the same emotional pain and loss of trust either way.
The results of the study mentioned above confirmed Dr. Weiss’s long-standing belief that no matter what type of extracurricular sex a person is having, it’s the lies and secrets that hurt the most. What this means is that it’s not any specific sexual act that does the most damage to a relationship, it’s the emotional distancing, the sense of betrayal, and the loss of relationship trust.
Based on this knowledge, Dr. Weiss crafted the following definition of infidelity.
Infidelity (cheating) is the breaking of trust that occurs when you keep intimate, meaningful secrets from your primary romantic partner.
Please note that this definition of cheating does not speak about pornography, strip clubs, hookup apps, affairs, or any other specific sexual or romantic act. Instead, it focuses on what matters most in relationships: mutual trust. Please also notice that this definition encompasses both online and real-world sexual behavior, as well as sexual and romantic activities that stop short of intercourse—everything from looking at porn to kissing to something as simple as flirting. Lastly, we ask you to notice that this definition is flexible depending on the couple. It lets you and your partner define your personal version of sexual fidelity based on honest discussions and mutual decision-making.
Based on the above definition of infidelity, we see that in some relationships it might be just fine for one partner to look at porn (or to engage in some other form of extramarital sexual activity), as long as the other partner knows about this behavior and is OK with it. If, however, one partner is looking at porn (or engaging in some other form of extramarital sexual activity) and keeping it secret, or if the other partner knows about it and doesn’t find it acceptable, then the behavior absolutely counts as cheating.
Unfortunately, as mentioned earlier, a lot of couples don’t discuss porn and how it fits or doesn’t fit within the bounds of their relationship. Instead, they agree that they are going to have a monogamous relationship, but they don’t define what that means. One partner may think about pornography as sex outside the relationship, but the other might not. In such cases, further conversation is needed. And even if porn is defined as acceptable within the relationship, the couple may need to define what qualifies and does not qualify as porn. For example, are clothed but sexy images a form of porn?
Notably, the compulsive/addictive use of pornography almost always throws a monkey wrench into relationship trust dynamics because heavy porn users nearly always keep most or even all of their porn use secret. They may do this because they know their partner will object, or they may do this because of the shame they feel about the amount and types of porn they’re viewing. So, even in cases where a porn addict’s partner is OK with the idea of porn, the secrecy of the usage can still push porn into the realm of betrayal.
When a person chooses to use porn rather than reaching out to their partner, it can impact the self-esteem of the partner. Basically, partners of porn users often wonder what porn performers offer that they don’t. This can wreak havoc on their self-esteem. They can’t help but compare and contrast, and when they do so, they nearly always find fault in themselves.
Interestingly, most partnered porn users, even those who identify as addicted, say they are far more attracted to their primary partner than the people they look at online. This does not, however, reduce the impact on a betrayed partner’s self-esteem.
The feelings of betrayal and loss of trust related to any form of infidelity are not the only ways in which porn can negatively impact romantic connections. Porn use can also lead to the following:
Let’s be clear here. Not all porn use is problematic for couples. In some forms of sex therapy, for example, using porn together can improve sexual and relational intimacy. That said, many couples find that porn use violates relationship boundaries and creates relationship problems. In all cases, porn addicts need to stop using porn. Even if their partner does not have any issues with pornography, they must realize and accept that they do. The issue is addiction, and the only way to solve that issue is sobriety.
Replicating porn (i.e., paying webcam performers to engage in certain acts) is increasingly common. Advances in technology make this possible not only in 2D but 3D virtual reality. Porn users often say that this type of porn-like sexual behavior is even more enticing than standard forms of porn because they can both control the action and interact with the performer. This type of behavior can add an extra layer of pain for betrayed partners.
If your partner is using porn and it is negatively impacting you and your relationship, you will need to approach your partner to let them know how you feel and what you would like them to do moving forward. As you confront your partner, focus primarily on how their porn use causes you to feel, and how those feelings impact your relationship. If you think it might be helpful, you can guide your partner toward external assistance, as described below.
Sadly, porn addicts are often reluctant to seek help. Sometimes this is because they are too ashamed to talk about their behavior. Other times it’s because they don’t view their solo sexual behaviors as an underlying source of their unhappiness. If they do seek therapeutic assistance, they often ask for help with symptoms of their addiction—depression, anxiety, loneliness, relationship troubles, and the like—rather than the addiction itself. Many are in therapy for extended periods without ever mentioning (or even being asked about) pornography and masturbation. As such, their core problem remains underground and untreated.
If you or a loved one are struggling with porn addiction, Seeking Integrity can help. In fact, we offer both inpatient treatment and online workgroups geared specifically toward helping those who struggle with compulsive porn use. For more information on porn addiction therapy, please call us at 1-747-234-4325. We will be happy to help you or your loved one get started on the pathway to healing.