After more than a decade of active porn addiction, Marcus, a single 29-year-old delivery driver, entered treatment. Initially, he was highly motivated and happy to be sober and working on his underlying issues. After about a year, however, he started to wonder if he would ever date or have sex. He told his therapist, “I don’t want to live like a celibate monk, which is what I’ve been doing for the last year, but I’m finding out that I have absolutely no idea how to interact with women. When I was looking at porn, everything was completely impersonal. Today, I want to have a connection, a real relationship. But I have no idea how to get there. I’m scared that everyone else my age has this figured out by now, and that if I try dating, I’ll look like a moron, or I’ll relapse, or both.
Marcus presents the two basic fears expressed by many single sex and porn addicts in the process of healing.
Marcus is hardly alone with these fears. Many, perhaps even most single sex and porn addicts new to recovery wonder if they will ever be able to date or be sexual in a healthy, non-addictive way. Sometimes, even the mere thought of this is so anathema to what they’ve been doing that it looks nearly impossible. That said, single recovering addicts are not in any way doomed to a life of sexual and romantic isolation. For these individuals, part of the healing process, typically undertaken when they’ve got six months or more of solid sobriety under their belt, is learning to date and be sexual in healthy, life-affirming ways.
There is no reason that any single sex or porn addict in recovery cannot date, find romance, and be sexual with real-world partners. The only set-in-stone constraint is that they should stay away from all red circle activities on their Circle Plan. To help with this, they should develop, in addition to their Circle Plan, a similar plan for dating.
Dating plans, like Circle Plans, begin with a listing of goals. In other words, recovering addicts need to figure out what sort of relationship(s) they are looking for, both initially and down the line. To develop their list of goals for dating, recovering sex and porn addicts should ask themselves the following questions:
Once these and similar questions are answered, recovering addicts typically have a better idea of what they are looking for, and why, and they can then create a list of goals based on this. The list of goals for dating developed by Marcus reads as follows:
For some recovering porn addicts, a simple listing of goals will suffice as a dating plan. Most, however, are looking for more detailed guidance. In such cases, the more formalized Traffic Signals Dating Plan suggested below can be quite useful.
As one might expect, red lights are characteristics that are unacceptable in a dating partner. Yellow lights delineate characteristics that should cause the addict to proceed with caution. Green lights, obviously, are traits that are healthy and desirable in another person.
The traffic signals dating plan created by Marcus reads as follows:
Red Lights
Yellow Lights
Green Lights
Having a solid and clearly delineated dating plan helps recovering sex and porn addicts not get caught up in the moment and forget what’s important to them when it comes to relationships. With a written dating plan, they can look at a potential new paramour and say, “Hmm, this person is super-hot, but they are also unemployed, living with an ex, and seeing three other people, all of whom contribute to their financial well-being. I think I should walk away.”
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If you or a loved one are struggling with sex, porn, or substance/sex addiction, Seeking Integrity can help. In addition to residential rehab, we offer low-cost online workgroups for male sex addicts and male porn addicts new to recovery. Click HERE for information on our Sex Addiction Workgroup. Click HERE for information on our Porn Addiction workgroup.